Three Can Be A Lonely Number
How is it possible that I am surrounded by two tiny humans and a dog all day long, but somehow I feel completely and totally alone?
Yes, motherhood is beautiful and such a blessing, but sometimes it is just really friggin' hard.
Today was "one of those days." There was lots of tantrums and it was only 9 AM. Someone woke up before she was ready. I tried to be optimistic. I wasn't going to let WTF Tuesday bring me down... though it quickly sucker-punched me right in my gut.
I made Aida and my D.C. their favorite breakfast. Neither one of them had but a few bites. They were playing and jumping around, as kids do. It was an ordeal to get them dressed. Aida was kicking and screaming, but it was time for us to head out to a playdate both my son and I had been looking forward to. The second we finally had everyone loaded into the car, my son says, "I'm hung-ryyyy, Mommy."
I couldn't help but think of the oatmeal I had prepared for him and Aida. I made it with all my optimism for the day. I made it in hopes that they would eat a healthy breakfast and be full. The kind of full that lasts an entire playdate without a single tantrum because no one is hungry. I thought of that oatmeal, and how neither one of them touched it. How it went into a bag and into the freezer.
When he told me he was hungry, I hated that feeling of having to go to the store with two hungry kids. Two tired and hungry kids at the store never works well, but I couldn't just not feed them. I called my friend, filled her in on the situation, and headed to the store.
Once at the store, Aida had reached her breaking point. She kicked and yelled. "I want out! I want to walk! I want out!" She is one to run and hide, and hiding in stores is not something this momma is comfortable with. I want my kiddos safe and where I can see them. In the cart she would have to stay. Safe, and by my side. Through the store she yelled, and I raced to get the food. At checkout, she was in heavy duty fit mode.
The stares that her fit brought on just melted away any optimism this momma had earlier in the morning.
We made it to the car, and I could feel the tears filling my eyes. I didn't know exactly what I was feeling. Was I mad? Was I sad? Then, it hit me. I felt entirely alone.
I have these two gems I get to take care of all day, everyday, but somedays in the trenches of caring for them, I just want a partner. I want my husband there saying, it's okay. You're fine. She's fine. He's fine. It's fine, honey.
Motherhood is no joke, and I am learning that I've never needed people more since becoming a mother. I've also learned that I've never been more isolated than the second I became a stay-at-home mom. Ironic. Isn't it?